Koality Livin

So I’ll pace the halls to see if I could find a hole in something or maybe places to escape

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been sinking for months now. I guess it was happening so slowly and I was pushing it down so much that I didn’t fully realize it (or allow myself to realize it) until recently. I’ve been avoiding this blog because writing it makes it real and it means I really haven’t been okay.

A few weeks ago one of my friends was telling me and another friend that Yellowcard is coming to a city near us. Yellowcard has never been one of my favorites, but the she mentioned Mayday Parade was playing with them. Mayday Parade was my favorite band growing up. They were with me every step of my hard times.. AND I FORGOT ABOUT THEM. I could not tell you the last time I listened to them. I was shocked and a little embarrassed to even call myself a fan.

The next day, I was driving to work and decided to put on Mayday Parade radio, and my heart soared. It took me right back to every person I have ever been when their music was a part of my life. I felt an incredible amount of strength from the journey I took while listening to them. It was exactly what I needed to pull my head out of my ass.

Life has been tough for the last 6 months and I have not wanted to admit it. I feel like I am at war with myself between what I need and what I want, who I am and who the hell I want to be. This is the most reclusive I have felt in a long time. I put so much of my daily energy into trying to understand what I am feeling, while also kind of denying it. I don’t want to go too deep because those real inside thoughts are scary as F***.

A friend recently told me that my blog and my self care challenges were really helping her and it hit me; I haven’t done one because I have been putting off my own self care. Most of my energy goes to making it through the day with a smile on my face. Well, I am sick of it. I know this will sound silly, but listening to Mayday Parade made me realize that I have made it through so much, so much more than I ever thought I would. I can do it again now.

I am not going to deny myself of these real thoughts and feelings. Reading my last post on here from August.. it is strange. Two weeks after that I felt so much pain, I was so embarrassed and confused. It made life really hard, I am still not sure where I sit with it all. I was really trying to give myself the love I needed, but I was falling short. I will not fall short, because I deserve much more than I have been giving myself.

It is time to get up and grow.